Friday, December 12, 2008

It's full, but not overflowing.

It's been two years. 
Two years since I've felt that surge of hopelessness.
Two years since my tear-ducts made use for itself.

I want this, I need this.

Four years ago, during summer...
I recall a dying relationship.
A relationship that should've ended sooner.
Faults at myself. At-

my self-consciousness
my jealousy
my fear
my naivety
my inability to take things for it's face value
my inability to trust

It's something I've come to terms with, what I've been trying to cope with, faults that I've become better at handling myself.

Circa 18 months in. I was blinded. I was in love....I was blinded.
one summer night, forgotten time, six words.

"I don't love you any more."

That night, I was left with blurry details of my desperate pleas, a hole in the wall,
and a forgotten practiced ritual as far as I can recall.

I wept myself to sleep. Practically soaked the pillow.

That relationship continued for two more months, till September. 26th of that year. A day before my birthday.

By then, I had seen it coming.
I was nevertheless angry, nevertheless upset, nevertheless heartbroken.

Took me almost a year to recuperate. 
Two months in the year spent with me rejecting someone who seemed obsessed about me,
A year with fruitless crushes,
Last month spent being in a love triangle, having to choose two girls at the end of the year. 
A year of being lost and incomplete.

Nevertheless, I've recovered, but not fully. 
No longer do I remember how to cry,
No longer do I remember the warmth that my tears bring.

Stitched but scarred, my heart was able to feel again.
I did say two years ago. 

Fast forward one year, not because it was unimportant, but because it doesn't relate.

A banquet, a joyous celebration.
An innocent passing by,
countless silent waves and hellos passed across the room.
The end of the night, nothing was exchanged. Basic patterns tend to repeat themselves.

Self conscious. doubt. uncertainty. Shyness.

It was interesting how it ended up the way it did, internet is a funny thing.
A relationship had bloomed from it because of the not so innocent hellos and waves, and me taking chances by saying something.
Six months of NJTransit every other week.
Six months of hiding and lying to her parents.

New Me; Different problems.
Cold. Indifferent. No holds barred. Blunt. Invisible wall.

It was possibly December. I was not heart-broken. 
It was not the pain of a break up.
It was not something caused by her.
It was me.

The realization of a failure on my part was too much to bear.
In a phone conversation. I forgot what, just angry words.
My voice cracked.
I simply said "I'm going."
And I've spent three minutes after that tearing.


I want to let it be known that. It has been two years.
And this current problem does involve the opposite sex, plays a very minor role.
It is all the problems in the past two years that has crept up to me.

I feel lost. I am without direction. Academically, especially.
It bewilders me how many choices I have, and how little time I truly have to decide on it.
I wish to do medical. However, I am no saint. Nor do I believe I have the patience to be one.
I wish to do Marketing. However I am unsure of the stability of it's steps.
The only thing I am certain of.

I also felt that I was not welcomed. 
I felt that there were too many in and outs of people in my life.
I felt easily replaceable.
I feel unneeded and unnecessary.

I wish to do something. I wish to be someone. I wish to not stand still. 
I wish to force a new perspective into my life.

With me being lost, I lose track. I skip classes. I wish not to do work.
Bouts of depression arises.
Nothing unbearable.

And then I fell for someone I met.
I felt an instant connection (on my part).
I felt that spark.
I felt my wall magically crumbled.
And I slipped.

All a miscalculation, it seemed.
The typical male error.
Friendliness mistaken for interest.
Someone I cannot have. Ever.

It all brings down to this.
My bottle is full. But it has not overflown.
My cobwebbed tear-ducted gave me the slight satisfaction yet unsatisfactory results of two tears as I try to force those tears tonight.

Something provoke me.
Someone destroy me.
Someone save me.

I need this. I long for this.

*P.S.- I'm not actually depressed. I'm just.....really down at the moment.*